Jimmy's Night Desk Report

Published by Jimmy Oldsun, NDRIRSRWRAFTC & Editor

Date: 8/12/2010

I hadn't worked the night desk in quite some time, so I thought I would do so just for kicks.  Not much goin' on in Hermann tonight.  It's a warm and humid August night. 

The mosquitos are particularly pesky tonight.  'Ran into one named "Anonymous".  Must've been from Owensville 'cause he was toutin' the virtues of Ron Jost and Jerry Lairmore, and raggin' on me for affiliatin' myself with Matt Penning, who afterall is my representative on the County Commission and a darned good gangsta rapper to boot!  Yep, I think the lil' buggar was an Owensville mosquito that got lost up here in Hermann after sippin' some of our good grape wine!  I sprayed some Deep Woods OFF! on him and repelled him away.  Maybe he'll buzz on back to Owensville or maybe he'll check into one of our fine B&Bs and stay the night.

'Talked to a few old timers in the Eagle Hall about tomorrow's big vote recount hearing.  There's lots of speculation as to what has happened with the countywide vote for Presiding Commissioner.  Lots o' suin' goin' on!  Folks are hopin' that Jost won't submit a bill to the County Commission for legal services like Lairmore and Aubuchon have.  The good ol' boys down at the Eagle Hall are predictin' a big crowd at the hearing tomorrow afternoon.  They said the hearing tomorrow might turn out to be somethin' akin' to the "Scopes Monkey Trial" back in 1925!  HH will be sendin' our award-winnin', unpaid, part-time contributing writer and amateur investigative reporter, Dick Schaefer, up to the courthouse to cover all the drama.

Night Desk Report - Friday Night, 6/4/2010

Published by Jimmy Oldsun, NDRIRSRWRAFTC & Editor

I decided to cover the night life in Hermann tonight.  The Cardinals were leading 8-0 over the Brewers in the top of the 9th with Adam Wainright going for a complete game and shutout, so I felt comfortable heading downtown.  (Update:  Wainright got his first complete game shutout and the Cardinals won 8-0.)

It's a warm, muggy night here in Hermann.  There is absolutely no breeze stirring.  The mosquitos are getting thick, and I do believe I saw a lightning bug or too.  I decided to drive through town and make a quick assessment of the nightlife situation.  When I go into all the bars, I tend to get into a little trouble.  Either I spend all my money buying drinks or I drink too much myself and end up with a headache the next morning.  So I stayed out of the bars.

• Hermann's street lights were all burning!  Kudos to whoever keeps the lights burning in Hermann!
• Quincy McGoo stumbled out of The Barrel Bar.  I think he'll make it home. He lives just two blocks away!
• Elmer Hugz was stumbling down 5th Street.  I suspect he had been at The Eagle Hall.
• No feral cats were spotted.  Presumably the "Ferals In Peril" non-profit group has solved this problem once and for all.
• I didn't see any auto accidents, home fires, meth lab explosions or knife fights.  A relatively calm night in Hermann!
• I saw Henrietta Horschwagel and Elmer Fudd going into The Sharp Corner Tavern.  But don't tell anyone since they're married and not to each other.

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Jimmy's Night Desk Report - Elmer Fudd's Pig Has Been Found!

Published by Jimmy Oldsun, NDRIRSRWRAFTC & Editor

Friends, I have very good news to report to you tonight!  At about 10:45 p.m. tonight (Cinco de Mayo), Elmer Fudd's prize pig, 'Porky', came strollin' into the Sharp Corner Tavern at the corner of 5th and Market Streets.  Elmer was there celebrating Cinco de Mayo with a few ice-cold Corona beers and cheese nachos. 

Evidently, that ol' pig of Elmer's is pretty darned smart.  Somehow she tracked Elmer down at his favorite watering hole.  My source reported to me that Elmer was so happy to have 'Porky' back that he bought a round of drinks, then bid his girlfriend Henrietta Hornschwagel goodnight and took 'Porky' back home in the bed of his muddy old '55 Ford pickup.

In a related story, Mitch Hoelmers vows to send the clean-up bill to Elmer and to never again leave the front door of his establishment standing wide open on a warm spring night.

Jimmy Olsun
NDRIRSRWRAFTC & Editor
http://www.hermannhearsay.blogspot.com/

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Jimmy's Night Desk Report - Interesting Stuff In Hermann

Published by Jimmy Oldsun, NDRIRSRWRAFTC & Editor

I hate writing up these stupid night desk reports.  You'd think now that I've been promoted to Editor, I'd assign this duty over to someone else.

Well, the reason I've decided to keep manning the night desk is because there's a lot of interesting stuff that goes on at night here in Hermann.

Just take tonight for instance:

1. Quincy McGoo fell again as he was departing The Barrel Bar.  Is it Mr. McGoo's poor eyesight or might it have had something to do with the eight bottles of Stag beer he guzzled down tonight?
2. Gertrude Schenkelberg caught up with her good-fer-nothin' husband at the Sharp Corner Tavern.  There was quite a disturbance, but the cops were not called to the scene.
3. Jethro Bodine pulled into the BP Station on Market Street to gas up his Jeep just after dark.  Jethro had been out on river most of the day and had a whole cooler full of fish to show off.  He had one really nice catfish that must have weighed ten (10) pounds if the doggone thing weighed one (1) pound! 
4. Thurston Howell III was drinking coffee and reading the Monday edition of the Wall Street Journal at Time For Pie.
5. The Eagle Hall was going strong as usual.  Since there was no parking spot to be found on the west side of Market Street, I didn't even bother to stop.
6. The new trolley car is parked on the vacant corner lot at First and Schiller Streets.  She sure is a neat looking trolley car.  I can't wait to hop a ride on her!
7. The new paving bricks are looking really good down at the German School Museum on the corner of Fourth and Schiller Streets.  Joy Kallmeyer and his Board of Directors have to be mighty pleased with the improvements being made this spring.

The other online news sites just don't cover this kind of local color.  That's why I keep right on bringing it to you here at Hermann Hearsay.  I've had a lot of readers thank me for these Night Desk Reports.  They say that my Night Desk Reports are what sets Hermann Hearsay apart from all the other local news outlets in Hermann.  That makes me feel good and keeps me pumped up!

Photo: Hermann Bridge At Sunset

Jimmy Oldsun
NDRIRSRWRAFTC & Editor
http://www.hermannhearsay.blogspot.com/

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Special Report from The Night Desk

Published by Jimmy Oldsun, NDRIRSRWRAFTC & Editor

I regret to report to our readers that Quincy McGoo was exiting the Tin Mill Brewing Company early this afternoon when he was run over by a high-speed bicycle.  A member of the Hermann Bicycle Tour Event Staff observed that Mr. McGoo was a wee bit wobbly when he exited the Tin Mill and stepped in front of a cyclist.  I suppose there are always going to be a few problems, casualties and consequences when hundreds of bicycles speed through the city limits of Hermann and resident octagenarians have to try to stay out of their way.  This afternoon Mr. McGoo became a casualty of Hermann's bicycle tours.

I inteviewed Mr. McGoo over the phone late tonight.  Mr. McGoo was resting at home after his frightening ordeal earlier in the day.  He was doped up on prescription pain killers pretty good, so it was hard to make out just what he was saying.  However, with a publishing deadline looming, I didn't have time to wait until Mr. McGoo was clear-headed.  I just did the best I could.

Jimmy:  "What happened, Mr. McGoo?"
Mr. McGoo:  "RRRRRRR I R don't rightly know son!"
Jimmy:  "Well, do you know what hit you, Mr. McGoo?"
Mr. McGoo:  "Hot damn!  It felt RR like a damned freight train, sonny!"
Jimmy:  "It was actually a high-speed bicycle, Mr McGoo."
Mr. McGoo:  "Ya don't say?!  Well I'll be damned!"
Jimmy:  "Folks said you might have had a few beers at the Tin Mill today?"
Mr. McGoo:  "That ain't nuthin' new!  RRRR I drink beer everyday son!"
Jimmy:  "So whadda ya think about all this, Mr. McGoo?"
Mr. McGoo:  "RRRR I think the damned bicycles should stay RRRR on the Katy Trail where they belong.  RRRR  That way I can drink beer here in Hermann like I've done for the past 65 years!"

Maybe Mr. McGoo has a point!  How much money have Missouri taxpayers paid to construct and now maintain that nice shady bike trail over there across the river where the M-K-T railroad use to run?  Quite a bit, I'd say!  But still those bicycle enthusiasts have to clog up our country highways and city streets with their bicycle races.  And today they ran over one of Hermann's oldest, best known and most beloved beer aficionados!  Hermannites are apparently no longer safe drinking beer in their own town!

Photo:  Mr. McGoo and his dog, McBarker

Jimmy Oldsun
NDRIRSRWRAFTC & Editor
http://www.hermannhearsay.blogspot.com/

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Night Desk Report - Tuesday Night

Published by Jimmy Oldsun, Night Desk Reporter (and other cool stuff)

I'm parked out here at the Hermann Post Office interviewing lots of late income tax filers from Hermann.  Here are some sample comments thus far:

Income Tax Late Filer #1:

Jimmy Oldsun:  "My name is Jimmy Oldsun.  I see you're mailing something.  Are those your income tax returns?
Barry Schmelly:  "Get the hell out of my way, punk!  I'm not in a very good mood!"
Jimmy Oldsun:  "I presume that means you're having to pay in instead of getting a refund?"
Barry Schmelly:  "F&^* you!  Get the hell out of my may!

Income Tax Late Filer #2:

Jimmy Oldsun:  "Hello there.!  I was wondering if you'd mind answering a few questions?  My name is ...."
Charlie Farquharson:  "Are you with the IRS?"
Jimmy Oldsun:  "No sir, I'm with Hermann Hearsay!  My name is Jimmy."
Charlie Farquharson:  "You sure do look like one of them IRS agents!"
Jimmy Oldsun:  "I swear that I'm not with the Internal Revenue Service!"
Charlie Farquharson:  "How can I help you then?"
Jimmy Oldsun:  "I was just wondering why you procrastinated until just two nights before the filing deadline to mail in your return?"
Charlie Farquharson:  "Jimmy, you can just kiss my red, white and blue ass!  Get the hell out of my way!"

Income Tax Late Filer #3:

Jimmy Oldsun:  "Good evening, sir!   My name is Jimmy Oldsun."
Al Capone:  "Oh yeah?  Do I know you?  My name is Al Capone."
Jimmy Oldsun:  "No, I don't think so.  I'm with Hermann Hearsay!"
Al Capone:  "Is that a new speakeasy?"
Jimmy Oldsun:  "Not exactly.  It's more like an online news service."
Al Capone:  "Is that a video camera your buddy has there?  Get that damn thing, Frankie!"
Jimmy Oldsun:  "What are you guys doing?  That's an expensive camera!"
Al Capone:  "Sorry Jimmy!  I can't permit my picture to be taken!"
Jimmy Oldsun:  "Just let me ask you a few questions about filing your income tax returns two nights before the filing deadline."
Al Capone:  "Taxes?!  What the hell are you talking about?  I don't pay taxes!  Never have!  That's for stupid suckers like you, Jimmy!"

Jimmy Oldsun
Night Desk Report (and other cool stuff)
www.HermannHearsay.blogspot.com

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Night Desk Duty Sucks!

Published by Jimmy Oldsun, Night Desk Reporter, Investigative Reporter, Sports Reporter, Weather Reporter and Acting Editor In Chief

I can't wait till Clark returns!  I'm getting very tired!  Night desk duty really sucks!

Sorry I haven't written any stories about cool nighttime Hermann happenings.  Clark has me all loaded up with his duties on top of my own!  Right now I'm investigating the status of the courthouse project and the whereabouts of the GCCS.  And that is taking a lot of time!

From what I gather down at the coffee shop, however, there hasn't been too much that has been going on at night.  A few stray cats roaming around, one or two drunks falling off the bar stools, and a little necking down at the riverfront park.  So I guess you haven't missed too much!

Jimmy Oldsun
Night Desk Reporter, Investigative Reporter, Sports Reporter, Weather Reporter and Acting Editor In Chief
www.hermannhearsay.blogspot.com

From The Night Desk - 1/22/2010

Report filed by Jimmy Oldsun, Night Desk Reporter

Things are pretty slow in Hermann tonight!  All the good stories have already been reported on by the Hermann A-C, HermannNews.com and CountyNewsLIVE.com.

However, I was able to dig up some stories that our competitors aren't covering:

1. County roads are very muddy and soft after all the rain this morning which followed closely on the heels of the recent snow melt.  Northern District Commissioner Matt Penning was out most of the day inspecting county roads.  Matt says the county may have to invest in a zamboni machine to dry the muddy gravel roads.
2. Ellie Mae Clampett reports that she's knocked up once again.  The father could be any one of three lucky fellas.
3. Elmer J. Fudd reports that the cottontail rabbits have come out of their holes once again now that the weather has moderated.  Elmer should have his famous "Wabbit Stew" available again by Saturday.  Phone your orders in to the Sharp Corner Tavern.
4. The rumor mill at Time For Pie has it that Otis Campbell is in the drunk tank once again.  Otis will need a ride home in the morning.  Can anyone pick Otis up at about 9 a.m.?
5. A stray cat was spotted at the northeast corner of 5th & Market tonight just after midnight.  The sighting has been reported to Alderman John Penning.
6. I received a telephone call from my girlfriend, Essie Marie in Columbia, just a few minutes ago.  Essie wants to break up.  Says she's fallen in love with one of the Mizzou basketball players.  Says that, since I've been workin' the night desk here at HermannHearsay, we never get to see each other anymore.  Journalism is a real tough profession!  Guess I'll knock off for the night, go on home, and drink myself into a right good drunken stupor!

Jimmy Oldsun
Night Desk Reporter
HermannHearsay.blogspot.com

"Dry Powdery Snow and Paternity Tests" ..... From The Night Desk - 1/8/2010

Published by Jimmy Oldsun, Night Desk Staff Reporter

This is the dryest, lightest snow I've ever seen here in Missouri!  I tried to build a snowman today, and I couldn't.  I couldn't even make a snowball to throw at Clark!

When I drove home this morning after last night's shift, I ran off into a ditch because the snow had drifted onto the road, and I could no longer see any tracks on the road to follow.

Elmer Fudd has complained that this snow is so dry and powdery that he is havin' a "hawd time twackin' wabbits"!  Elmer says he is "wunning out of Wabbit Stew" because (a) sales are up in response to his very successful advertising campaign here on Hermann Hearsay and (b) wascally wabbits are stayin' in their holes duwing this extreme cold weather makin' it almost impossible for Elmer to shoot any of them !

I'm gettin' tired of night shift duty!  By the time I come on duty, everything has already been reported on by The Hermann A-C, HermannNews.com and CountyNewsLIVE.com.  I'm gettin' really ticked at Don Kruse, Glenn Warnebold, Jeff Noedel and Alex Luft for hoggin' all the local news!  Those doggone guys are everywhere!

The only thing I have to report tonight is that I learned that Suzie Q. down at the convenience store is knocked up.  She thinks it was either Billy Bob, Tyrone or Jethro who got her pregnant.  More to come in one of my future Night Desk Reports after Suzie Q. has a few paternity tests run!

Signing off until tomorrow night,

Jimmy Oldsun
Night Desk Staff Reporter
Hermann Hearsay