A. E. Newman Proposes County Jails In Rosebud, Owensville, Bland and Canaan

Published by Dick Schaefer, Award-winning, Unpaid, Part-time Contributing Writer; Amateur Investigative Reporter; and Aspiring Photo-Journalist

Date:  10/18/2010
Post:  919

EXTRA!  EXTRA!  READ ALL ABOUT IT!

This just in!

A. E. Newman shocked attendees at tonight's Canaan Evening Optimist Club meeting when he announced that he is proposing not ONE but FOUR new county jails for Gasconade County.  The text of his speech follows:

"It certainly is a pleasure to be with you tonight!  Your program chairman told me that you like to have dinner and then settle back for a "short" program.  He emphasized the key word there ..... SHORT!  And so I will keep my remarks very brief.

A number of people in Gasconade County believe we need to build a county jail.  We currently transport our prisoners to the Crawford County jail..  At the last county commission meeting in Owensville, our Gasconade County Sheriff proposed that we accept the offer made by the R-2 School District and take possession of one of their school buildings no longer needed which just happens to be in Rosebud.  The Sheriff is recommending that we use it as a 911 center and as a county jail.  The price is certainly right.  The school district is offering the building for only $1.  I understand folks in Rosebud aren't too keen on the idea right now but that the Sheriff is going to try to sell them on the idea.

Well my friends, I am an OPTIMIST just like you, and so tonight I am proposing  that we build jails not only in Rosebud, but also in Owensville, Bland and Canaan.  Afterall, if one (1) jail is good, four (4) jails would be four (4) times better!

You see, I am OPTIMISTIC:

1. that we will be needing more jails in the future to house all the prisoners from the southern district of the county who cannot find employment,
2. that we can save four (4) times as much money as the Sheriff proposes to save by constructing four (4) times as many jails thus avoiding the need to transport our prisoners to the jails of any adjoining counties, and
3. that we can find another four (4) old vacant buildings (one each in Rosebud, Owensville, Bland and Canaan) no longer being gainfully used by their current owners and potentially available to the county at dirt cheap prices.

So my friends, you've heard it here first!  I am getting way out in front of the Sheriff and my opponent, Jerry Lairmore, on this county jail issue!  The construction of four (4) jails in our area will mean lots of JOBS ..... construction jobs, jailer jobs, janitorial jobs, kitchen worker jobs ...... and maybe even a few jobs for our under-utilized coonhounds and bloodhounds!  I don't know if we can afford to operate four (4) jails, but I doubt if the folks proposing a jail in Rosebud know for sure that we can afford to operate even one (1) jail!

I hope I can count on your support for my very aggressive plan!  Let's keep Gasconade County jailbirds in Gasconade County jails!  Perhaps someday we can have jails in every town in Gasconade County, making it ultra convenient for all concerned ..... the jailees, the Sheriff's deputies and those who work in the jails!  Think of the economic boom this would represent for our county!  Why someday we could even begin to house prisoners from other parts of the midwest! 

In closing, I'd just like to say that the fried chicken, mashed potatoes and peas were very tasty!  Thanks for having me as your speaker!"

A. E. Newman Denies Vicious Rumor



Published by Dick Schaefer, Award-winning, Unpaid, Part-time Contributing Writer; Amateur Investigative Reporter; and Aspiring Photo-Journalist

Date:  10/18/2010

Post:  918

Speaking today before the Bland Rotary Club at their weekly luncheon, A. E. Newman denied a vicious rumor which has been circulating for the past several weeks.  Newman, an Independent candidate for the office of Southern District Associate Commissioner of Gasconade County, denied the rumor that his 19 year-old son, A. A. Newman, is in fact not his own offspring but that of a traveling Kirby vacuum cleaner salesman.

Quoting Newman .... "Albert Alfred Newman is my natural-born son.  The rumor about the traveling Kirby vacuum cleaner salesman is absurd and it is very hurtful to my family.  I don't know who started this rumor, but I wish they would stop smearing me and my family.  Anyone can tell by just looking at these photographs that we are obviously father and son."

A. E. Newman then proceded to unveil two large photographs, the first of himself and the second of his son Albert Alfred.  See below .....

A. E. Newman
Candidate for Southern District Associate Commissioner
Bland, MO

A. A. Newman
Mizzou Freshman, Major: Nuclear Physics
Columbia, MO

Newman continued on by saying ..... "My friends, the resemblance between Albert Alfred and myself IS UNDENIABLE!  A. A. Newman is obviously my son.  The vicious rumor that he is not my son is absolutely FALSE!"

Song Of The Day - Monday, 10/18/2010

Published by Lois Lame, SSALRCYTMVDQJCP & Assistant Editor

Date:  10/18/2010
Post:  917

If it's Monday, it's time for a Beatles song.  Here's one of their best!  Written by George Harrison and released on their 1969 "Abbey Road" album, it is entitled "Something".

Photo Of The Day - Monday, 10/18/2010

Published by Lois Lame, SSALRCYTMVDQJCP & Assistant Editor

Date:  10/18/2010
Post:  916

Gasconade County Courthouse
Viewed from the west at south end of Christopher S. Bond Bridge.
10/4/2010

Photo by Dick Schaefer (Hermann Hearsay).
Copyright protected.  All rights reserved.

Laugh Of The Day - Monday, 10/18/2010

Published by Lois Lame, SSALRCYTMVDQJCP & Assistant Editor

Date:  10/18/2010
Post:  915

“Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?”  ~ Don Rickles

Quote Of The Day - Monday, 10/18/2010

Published by Lois Lame, SSALRCYTMVDQJCP & Assistant Editor

Date:  10/18/2010
Post:  914

"I'll tell you what, you stop telling lies about me and I'll stop telling the truth about you."  ~ Michael Douglas playing Gordon Gekko in movie Wall Street - Money Never Sleeps

Bible Verse Of The Day - Monday, 10/18/2010

Published by Lois Lame, SSALRCYTMVDQJCP & Assistant Editor

Date:  10/18/2010
Post:  913

Then he said to them all: “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it. What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit his very self?” – Luke 9:23-25

Unfortunately we live in an age where Christianity has become a product. From Christian mints to bobble head Jesus, the faith has been commercialized to the point that we go to the church of our choice, we rate the preacher or music, we’ll even opt for online community because sacred space and live people seem too inconvenient. We’ve created a consumer Christian who, according to recent polls, is more dissatisfied with their spiritual walk than ever. But the true Christian message is one of denial, not convenience. A cross-less Christ becomes stale bread and cheap wine. It has no power and therefore can be easily parodied and marketed.

Today’s commentary by Dave Whitehead, Senior Pastor, GraceNYC.org